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Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in
First Joke Ever's LiveJournal:
|Friday, January 20th, 2006|
I'm about to walk out that door but quickly I feel I should say something before going to the movies.
I don't know Bobby Timmon. I never did. I've never even heard his name before. But I know he was important to people I once held as very important. So for that, I would just like to express my condolences to the entire McDonald family. These things are never easy to deal with and it is as Erin said "not fair". I know many may look at me as an enemy since I'm no longer number one in somebody's life (or anywhere in that life anymore). It doesn't change who I am. I still care, even if no one cares back. No one has spoken to me about anything. Just know that I do not harbor any ill will to ANYONE in the McDonald family and know that I was proud to be a part of the family even for a season. I know Erin hasn't responded to anything I've written since our formererly-mutual friend severed our bonds and I can't help but think that this is a universal feeling throughout the clan. As if everyone would like to belive that I am no longer that good person everyone knew I am. I'm still a great man. Only I can change that. I am still a great friend. Yet, I am still a victim. Anyways, I can't help but feel that it is futile to persist on this subject suffice it to say, as I started out, that I send my best wishes and heart-felt condolences to the McDonald's in their hour of sadness and loss. Current Mood: Somber
|Saturday, January 14th, 2006|
|Only because Erin asked...
2. Date of birth:
3. Where you live:
4. What makes you happy:
5. Currently listening/the last thing you listened to:
6. Do you read my journal?:
7. If yes, what makes it especially good or bad?:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/do you have a crush at the moment?:
10. Favourite place to spend time:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. The best time of the year:
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song, or album:
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Look at my friends-list and tell what you like about one of our mutual friends:
4. Put this in your journal so that I can tell you what I like about you. Current Mood: sick
|Sunday, December 18th, 2005|
|Thursday, November 17th, 2005|
|Well, well, well...
...I feel just like I've fallen in love.
It's been so long since I've felt this way. I can't even remember feeling like this before. It's so hard to see the monitor...what is this water on my face? Am I crying?
You win some, you lose some, and you have got to be strong
You win some, you lose some, and you have got to move on!
Kim, I think I love you.
...But what am I so afraid of?
A Dark Messenger or A Psycho Rave?
Yes, Hyung-Tae, you make me smile. Current Mood: rejuvenated
|The Rise and Fall of the Information Superhighway
Here comes that feeling again...
Sitting in front of my computer and surveying the only-half-picked-up mess, I know I must continue to clean. So hard to find motivation nowadays. So, here I am typing and listening. Boom, it hits me, a feeling I haven't felt since I lost Joey. Listening to "Last Train Home" and dozens of other songs that remind me of only one person.
To me that's the beauty of my absolute favorite artists, no one can steal the joy of Bleach or Counting Crows from me. I still listened to them when Joey and I broke up, and I love them to this day. No one can attach themselves permanently to my catchy hooks. Still it's the saddest I've been in ages, I just feel defeated.
I love how things are always my fault, even (especially) if they are not. The only person I've really told straight out that they were the problem feels like I think everything is their fault. I have a strange pity for this poor soul. That's how it often starts. I'm so arrogant to think I can go around making people's lives "better". Some people don't like/want better. That's why some people only have cassette players when CD players are cheap now. That's why people listen to mainstream pop. That's why women stay with deadbeat, alcoholic, abusive husbands.
Complacency is my rival and others' comfort. Complacency transforms half-decent people into 40-year old monsters bitter at the world and trapped in loneliness.
Must get motivation.
If I don't, than am I not locking myself in? I'm no better than anyone else. If you don't believe me, watch me play a Clapton song. So many dreams are victims of indecisiveness. I've felt so often like pulling out my hair, only to remind myself of how much that would hurt, how much I'd hate it, and how long it would take to grow it back. I hate sounding so morbid. I have no interest in hurting myself or anyone else. That would be just stupid and I would hope Erin would beat up my corpse. That girl makes me so proud sometimes. Her family is so beautiful and she's gonna be a great woman...if she can behave for the next few years. Our youth is so fragile. They're like young sea turtles.
...Rachel, Stephanie, Amy, Joey, Crystal, Amy, Kimberley, Crystal, Jennifer, Jill, Jennifer, Erika, April, Sylvia, Mehgan, Shelley, Gabriella, Laura, Lauren, Crystal, Laura, Kimberley, Jackie, Jill...
...I can't think of anymore right now...my head is spinning...Lazy Gun. Current Mood: listless
|Wednesday, November 16th, 2005|
I hate how I'm such a convenience for so many people. I'm just a go-to guy. My life is just a turning of season after season. It's all just a little bit of history repeating. Such a downward spiral and there's nothing original or eloquent I can say that isn't plagiarized. The stunning re-realization of just how worthless a wretch like me is, well, it just makes me sad. Both my happiness and sadness are repetitiously and alternatingly fleeting. You can't really count on anyone else to care for you. You can hope but potential and hope and 25 cents can't get you coffee nowadays. What a pathetic pity party this is. I feel like Stephanie on Survivor...the truth is we have no one to blame but ourselves...even if it's not our fault. People I have given everything for have taken it and moved on. Such an ungrateful lot. My love is not appreciated. Being a villain would be so much more profitable.
Now that I have served my purpose I am disgarded. Ironic how someone hours away is a lot closer than the person living with you.
I am the King of Nothing and the Jester for all.
Morbid curiousity is all that really drives me to the next day. I'm too bored to even consider ending my life. Grasping firmly to a farce of hopefulness. All this knowledge and love is trapped in an empty vessel. I can't lie to myself and say I didn't see this coming. It always does, just as sure as people swear they will never forget me. Just take your missing ingredient and go on with your own recipe, sell a cookbook while your at it and put your name on the front in nice big yellow letters. I'm far too sad to be mad. I'm a fool for thinking any person is different than any other. You would think some people would notice this more than others. Fat or thin, ugly or beautiful, wise or foolish all humans are the same. You are the same as all those people you thought you hated. You just hate how their ugliness differs from yours.
Ecclesiastes 1:2 Current Mood: sad
|Sunday, October 23rd, 2005|
|Of Truth and Consequences and Transformants
Wow, what a great day. Who'd've thunk I could get home more than just a little bit past midnight from work and be this happy? It seemed like 9 O'Clock could never roll around fast enough when I worked at Circuit, but staying at Olive Garden all night has been just fine. Laughing with customers and making mad loot. You know what's sad? So many jobs can be like this, people just don't like to think that. Gosh, humans are so weak in mind and (in turn) body. It's not like being a waiter is some glamorous job, but it has been so much more fulfilling, it's nice to get something back from something or someone for a change. Instead of being tied to the tracks like some zombies in 3-piece suits.
On that note, I'm proud of how meticulous (to a point) they are at the OG. At Beef O'Brady's their standards were so low. We used to make deals with the roaches and rats about what time each of us could occupy the kitchen. And let's not forget the 364 day rule (kinda like the 5 second rule, just...longer). Yeah, I've only eaten at Beef's once since I left and it sure wasn't the Oviedo one. I can't stand that guy Jack...Hmmm, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever met a Jack in person that I liked...wait, Jack Mitchell was okay. Just Michell I think.
You know what's more annoying and hurtful than being treated badly, it's when the person is completely oblivious to their actions and then upon notification are completely unphased, unapologetic, and basically have no remorse. I'd hate to, but I could forgive a guy who killed my wife and said he regrets it, is sorry, and is haunted by his terrible decision every day of his life. Woe to someone who would kill my wife and have the audacity to say he wasn't sorry or didn't know why, or just plain didn't care. That guy probably wouldn't make it out of the courtroom. There's almost always a chance to redeem yourself, or at least to be redeemed. How many times can one expect to turn down redemption and expect to be okay?
It is so important for the things we say to reflect what we mean. I have a lot more respect for someone who doesn't like me and tells me that, than someone who doesn't care about me and lies to me (and/or themself) by saying that they care. It's so cliche, but actions speak so much louder than words. That's why I take action. My words can't even begin to say how I feel. It's alot harder to trust words.
It's so hard caring for someone who doesn't really care for you. And I'm not talking about being in love or infatuation (that's part of almost anyone's life). I'm talking about being abused and coming back for more. Government mule, scalded dog, pig to vomit type stuff here, my friends. Like when someone gets abused and says "I can change him" and takes more beatings and just won't leave the obviously destructive relationship. I'm the glutton. I have been for quite some time. I should curb my other diet. I should eat more physical food though. I desperately need to get back in shape.
Disclaimer: I am not going to apologize for the following.
I like having fun just as much as the next person; I am down for all kinds of fun. But to anyone who takes horoscopes seriously. Give me a break. you might as well roll a dodecahedron and get the same or better outcome. Moreso, people who honestly believe in reincarnation. Regardless of religious beliefs. If reincarnation was real no one would fear death. But life is oh so precious to you humans. Nobody, no matter how down and out wants to have their life abruptly ended. The (increasing) few who do commit suicide, don't do it, to start over again, they do it to just plain stop. If reincarnation was real we would have no "homeless" (house-less) people and no prisoner's. Everyone would take themselves out of the game to start again. It's just as good as rolling the dodecahedron and the odds of better to worse are at worse a coin flip. Humans cling to life, laying proof to what they won't admit, it's so precious to them, because even as Eminem can admit "You only get one chance". Their is no overtime, you can't press start to continue.
Is there a living soul who can't enjoy pretzels and Chariots of Fire? Current Mood: chipper
|Wednesday, October 12th, 2005|
I messed up. Happens more and more, seems like. Oh well, more proof that I'm nowhere near perfect. I hurt someone close to me again. I hate that. I'm sorry, not for what I did, but for how it made that person feel. The harder I try, the worse things get sometimes. I struggle with holding back and not trying so hard. Full-bore is the only way I know. Fulgore is the only cybernetic assassin from Ultratek I know.
I can't say that it's figured out. But everything will work out somehow. Current Mood: disappointed
|Saturday, October 1st, 2005|
|Tuesday, September 27th, 2005|
|Sleeping hands awaken!
I found an awesome quote today in the form of a mission statement from one of my all-time favorite web-sites.
"...dedicated to reviving the ... music of yesterday, and reinterpreting that of today, with new technology & capabilities. This site's mission is to prove that this music is not disposable or merely just background, but is as intricate, innovative, and lasting as any other form." Current Mood: chipper
|Monday, September 26th, 2005|
|Sunday, September 25th, 2005|
It's been really stressful for me the last 3 weeks. I no longer work at Circuit City. So, it's not like everything's going bad for me, it's just been tiresome. Very taxing mentally. I feel like I'm losing so much and all at the same time. I feel so pathetic when I zoom out and see myself, scrambling around to try and keep all these leaves from falling off of my branches. I lost Stephanie. I lost Joey. I lost Jill. I really lost Rachel (lol). It's my fault I lost Adam. I nearly lost Leroy. I lost Bridgette (ages ago). I almost lost April in the last few weeks. I lost Jill. I'm so scared to lose Erika. I wonder where Andy is. I called him today, but we don't hang out like 2 good friends who met in Englewood and now live in Melbourne should. I feel like I always have to start over new, it's not something I love, it's just something I'm accustomed to. I'm practically a bedouin. So, I try and start from scratch and hope for the best. I put my best (left) foot forward and start smiling. I always hope it can last forever. But the inevitable (as it will) happens each and every time. Humans. It's so hard to truly describe how I feel about them. I wanna love everyone and I care too much. I can't satisfy anyone suddenly after successfully satisfying all the people all the time. I constantly wrestle with these strange insecurities, all of which were strange to me not so long to me. I feel so inadequate on so many levels now. Not just socially, or sexually or spiritually. It's like everything. When it rains it pours...all season long.
I look really good in the rain. Downright sexy. But it doesn't make me truly feel any less alone. It's just another reminder of how lonely I can be, all while wearing this facade. How'm I gonna keep myself away from me?
I just can't hold back...
Time for some sleep. I must suspend this thought for the time being... Current Mood: aggravated
|Wednesday, September 21st, 2005|
|I don't mind the sun sometimes...the images it shows
For quite some time I thought it was a fairly common practice. Yet, I feel kind of like I've been living a lie about this whole issue. That is when I need to sneeze I try to look at the sun. I think you can agree that it is at the very least annoying to have an imminent sneeze overtake, yet linger long enough, toying at your over-sized nosed hairs, to be annoying. It's kinda itchy and irritating and when you know it's coming you just really want to get it over with. So, for me I look at the sun, and when that's not available (in layman's terms: when I'm not outside), I stare at a bright light. That helps stimulate my shnoz and get that sneeze out. Evidently people think this is weird and not everyone does it. What do you do? Current Mood: Funkdafied
|Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005|
|The redundancy of repititiously repeating the same thing over and over in music
Have you ever heard a song, but only once. Occasionally it can be a refreshing change of pace, a new song that doesn't sound bad. But you can never leave it at that, can you? Naw, it's the nature of the beast, but you simply must hear it again. It's like Lay's, you can't have just one (uh, listen that is). But how do you go about it? If it's anything mainstream you shouldn't have to wait too long to hear it again on the radio. Perhaps, no one else likes it though? It's a commercial flop, then what happens? You won't hear it on the radio again. Or more likely your "lucky" enough to not hear it despite the fact that everyone else on the planet is already sick of it, having heard it on it's usual round-the-clock cycle on every station. But somehow, every time it comes on, you end up pulling into some fast-food joint, or your bank, or Aunt Leslie's, turning off the radio and missing yet another chance to hear it "right after these messages".
So, what do you do? Ask a friend of course. After getting blank stares from friends, you realize a few things. First of all, how did you become friends with these people in the first place? They have terrible taste in music and can't relate to you on a musical plane. (Hmmm, a musical plane? There's an idea. That would make flights much better...provided it wasn't all hip-hop). Secondly, it seems to be impossible to recite lyrics in plain spoken english when describing a song. They always ask "How's it go?" Isn't that just the worst? You can't get away with just saying the words, you gotta audibly crucify the poor thing and humiliate yourself with the sad truth, which is that you don't really know anything more than one or two lines. And your sing-song is so bad, that your friends don't even care that you're on a mission to identify and rehear this music, instead the focus of the conversation shifts to something like this:
"Who sings that song?"
"I don't know, it kinda sounds like Alanis Morisette"
"Well, you should keep it that way"
I remember the first time I heard that one. I was working at the village hot spot. Yes I practically lived in a village my high school years. The place had an arcade (before they were on the endangered species list), miniature golf, batting cages, and of course go-karts. ...Hmmm, go-karts, who came up with that name anyway? Wasn't kart enough, their are plenty of other adjectives that work better. Like there's something called a stop-kart. What would possess someone to call something that? What happens when they're not going? They're still go-karts, right? How dumb is that? ...But I regress.
So anyway, I was singing "Same old song and dance", and this guy, Terry, overhears me singing to myself. He asks me who sings that, and I'm thinking to myself, "How does this old-timer not know. He listens to Ted (Theodore) Nudget and Metallica all the time. So I tell him "Aerosmith", and he proceeds to tell me to "keep it that way". I got served, hook, line, and sinker. I kinda thought it was clever, since I had never heard that one before.
Back to the subject: It isn't until after the fact, that you realize the problem isn't your horrible singing voice (which is a problem, just not the problem at hand) it's that you only know a couple of lines, which you may not even be reciting properly. This really shouldn't be too big of a problem, since you're sure it's a resounding part of the song. Heck, it's been circling and circling and circling your head. Anyone should be able to identify this song by just saying this simple phrase. Chances are, the title is probably in there somewhere. I know what some of you high-tech kids are saying, "Why don't you just Google it". Because not all of us are by a PC 24 hours a day, and some of us just aren't that S-M-R-T smart.
Well, the resolution is indefinitely one of two things. Scenario one, you're reciting a line that, regardless of how clever or catchy it sounds, is actually only said once in the entire song. Perhaps, in a moment of improvisation the singer decides to change up the words of the chorus. Alas, you only heard the end of the song and figured that was the main gist of the song. Or worse yet, you're listening to a rather obscure musician who decides to repeat a particular phrase constantly, and yet the song has a seemingly random title.
I remember listening to Recovering the Satellites for the first time and not having the album cover handy, I just figured that the second song was "Waiting for you". When I told other people about this cool song, not a one knew what I was talking about. Of course, Adam only says "angels of the silences" once in the song that bares this title. And AFI, ha, don't get me started on them. Evidently Davey Havoc picks his song titles out of a hat filled with magazine clippings, normally set aside for ransom notes.
There's a right and wrong way to do repetition in music, more on that later.
|Tuesday, March 1st, 2005|
|Sum of dat East Coast Flavin'
As promised my first entry will be about riboflavin and the importance thereof:
In case you didn't know, riboflavin is also known as vitamin B2, which is just simply wonderful. The english alphabet has 26 letters (most of the time), and you'd think we'd make better use of that by giving each vitamin it's own letter. But no, somehow some arrogant guy (I'm sure it was a guy) decided that riboflavin didn't deserve it's own letter. So for now riboflavin is just another liver-dwelling B vitamin, along with B1, B3, B6, B9, and B12. Yeah, you read that right. There's no vitamin B4. Too bad that could be alot of fun for old Archie Bunker-types:
"Hey, did you take your vitamin B4, today?"
"Confound it woman! You see me take that gosh-blame thing everyday"
"So you took your pills today, then?"
"Not today, I took them yesterday!"
But then again, there's not a B5, B7, B8, B10, or B11. In any case there's not a vitamin Q. And there could be, that is what I consider yet another lost opportunity. Most especially a vitamin X. Doesn't that just sound mysterious and daring?
"I'm going to take my vitamin X today."
"Don't do it, Dirk, you're too young to die!"
Anyways, getting back to riboflavin. Even though I feel it is completely under-appreciated, evidently you americans are getting enough of it, which is kind of surprising. Of course it's nothing intentional, it's just that a vitamin this good is bound to show up anywhere. Most notably in milk and breads, which that foolish Adkins Diet thankfully hasn't totally eradicated. I'll go off on that some day. Well, vitamin B2 processes carbs, calories, fat, protein and of course the old collegiate stable, alcohol. Take note. Riboflavin is also great for maintaining healthy skin and normal eyesight. I think I got the short end of the stick on that one. Strangely enough it is easily destroyed by light, which makes it a great choice for those dimly-lit romantic outings. Speaking of which oral contraceptives can cause a riboflavin deficiency. Um, right, let's just forget that I wrote those last two sentences.